Connections

Just a quick note
because
I got home late tonight
because I was busy making a friend.

Truthfully it happened twice in one night.
First, I was in the kitchen at work and a coworker said, "I really like your sweater; it almost looks Peruvian."
I was so excited: "I got this in Peru!  I can't believe you recognized that."

We went on to have a conversation about our individual trips to the Latin American country and our different experiences with Macchu Picchu.

It really is so nice when you realize you have a connection with someone, especially someone you regularly encounter.

Then, on my way out the door tonight, another coworker, our new Spanish tutor, made a comment:  "Did I hear you say your daughter's name is Celaya?"
"Yes," I responded.
"Like the town in Mexico?"
"Yes!"  Here I was again, astounded, by yet another coworker of mine, that someone got some small part of me.
We ended up walking out to the parking lot together, actually all three of us, discussing language acquisition and bilingual children, public education versus private, travel, and myriad other related topics.

It felt wonderful.

I realized halfway through the conversation that I kept pausing in my additions to the exchange to see if she would break in to steer the conversation toward its end, but she didn't.  She continued to inquire and respond to my inquiries, seemingly just as stimulated by the dialogue as I was.  We stood there for an hour, making friends.

It is really difficult for me to form lasting relationships.  I am often overwhelming and can come across as harshly critical.  I am loud and raucous and tend to fill up a room.  I am real and bold and sometimes brutally honest.  I realize that I am difficult to love, which is why I am so grateful for the currently snoring, tossing, turning man at the back of this house who somehow finds a way to keep doing it day after day.

In addition to this, I find my existing handful of good friends slowly drifting out of reach because we have simply reached different stages of our lives and have lost the connection.

It is funny when I think of the quotes that stay with me through the years, and one in particular I came across in a random Nora Roberts book has continuously returned to the forefront of my thoughts since I  first read it:  "The risk of wanting more is losing what you have."

And it is true.  I want to do more, go further, learn more, create more at work?  I will lose time with Celaya. I want to teach, get into a classroom, build my own curriculum, perhaps go on to a PhD program?  I will lose the momentum I have built at work.  The equation works in every circumstance, as it clearly has with my friendships.  I want stronger connections, people who don't let me down without a care, people who share my values and goals, or at least understand them in a comprehensive way.  So I risk losing the friends who don't fit this criteria, certainly losing the strong ties we once had.

Let me stop here for a moment and give thanks for my sisters, my mother, and my aunt who remain strong, solid, stable friends in that unconditional family kind of way.

In the end, after midnight now, I merely want to acknowledge how nice it is to connect with people who don't "have" to love you.

And, hooray, tonight I got to do it twice!